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HayyiwadaSan

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Those morning days you would call me before school as i put out my hand, you put a one ringgit and fifty cent for me. I've always envied the cool kids with their large amount of allowance. I questioned myself " why can't i have more?".

Every day, each day the amount the same. As i grew older you gave me more .... and each passing days you became more distant, and more busy than before. There were moments you would leave me for a few days, then it turned to weeks.. and then they became months...and each of those days you would never forgot my allowance. You've always motivate my spirit with gifts i knew i will never receive yet those high hopes you had for me never deceased. There were times where i didn't heave your words but you let my mistakes happened; for the sake of raising me. There were moments where you told me not to take care of a cat, but you let me anyways and gave me lessons on raising another. There were times when i saved my money I though that I could be a millionaire one day an we would live in luxury yet you only say "... as long as i am happy". But as i grew, i realized... so were you.

As reaching young adolescence i saw something that wasn't there before; you had grey hair. You had hair the same as grandmother had during her old age. As you kept count on the allowance you gave to me, I kept count on the grey hair that kept appearing on you. You slowly showed more and more of the weakness you once hid when your body was slowly in pain. Since the day I thought that "men never shed tears" were true, now was a myth..... because of you.

As I reached fifteen, i stared on the 80 cent on the palm of my hand.... and I thought... " what can i actually spend with you?"

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" can I buy the lost time of you being with me?"
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" can I buy back the time i wasted and make it right?"
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" can i buy immortality so you can live forever?"


Now I'm 24... You still work, you come back, you rest and then do the same thing the next day. But now you told me stories you never told me when i was young. You have more grey hair, you body ache yet you still go through and throe just thinking of what I'm eating today. Each time i called, you trust me with an amount of allowance you never gave me before. the bigger the sums, the worsen my guilt. Each moment i laughed, what you do today never stop coming through my mind.
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Are you doing well?
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Are you resting enough?
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Please........
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Just stop....
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..... and let me take care of you now.


I'm already 24 and i'm still here..... not doing what I thought i should be doing by now.

I know you told me to just do what i can do for now and leave everything else to you, but is it worth the time?

IS IT WORTH EACH AND EVERY PASSING MOMENTS OF PAIN AND TIME OF EVERYDAY JUST FOR ME ?!







................... Am I worth spending?
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Am I worth Spending ? by HayyiwadaSan, journal